where i've been.

hello there, remember me?!!  i have been absent from blogging.  i haven't had much to say, but there was another reason i was away, it was just too hard to talk.  this past summer was a horrible one, full of emotions and stress.  looking back now, i realize how bad off i was.  anxiety filled days, not knowing what would happen.  emotions out of whack.  depression.  it was a doozy.

last spring i found out that my time as a nanny was coming to an end.  nearly 11 years with these girls, and the attachment was there.  the last year or so, was a bit rougher, and i contemplated ending the job, but i couldn't do it, due to attachment as well as the future unknown.  our attachment outweighed the rough spots.  they are older now, and in reality, didn't need me as much as they once did.  i always said though, that mom and dad would have to be the ones to say,  "it's over".  a year or so later that time had come.  i didn't do anything wrong, which is good!  it was just time to move on, as they can do more for themselves and their parents made some new choices for themselves which put my position as "not needed".  when i found out, i was surprisingly ok with it.  it was hours later the emotions hit, not losing a job, but the daily interaction with my girls.  as trying as it was at times (a teen and a preteen), i would miss them and the dogs and the cats and the house and all that goes with it!  there were some adventures there!

i started job hunting, knowing what i would realistically end up doing, but wanting a total change, but didn't know what that would or could be.  i did what was natural for me, in the way of jobs, but not necessarily at all what i wanted to do; going back into group childcare.  i have an early childhood degree after all.  i needed a paycheck.  the whole process was hard.  i was scared, intimidated after being away from a group situation for over 10 years.  i could have nannied again, but decided i wanted a break from that.  i went on interviews, some were good and ok, and possibly promising, the others not so much.  i didn't hear from some for quite some time, and it made me worry.  finding a quality place with possibly good coworkers and decent pay was hard.  i wanted to find a good energy, i didn't want to be miserable.  i tried to trust my gut.  the longer i went on searching and jobless, dealing with the emotional loss and readjustment, the more into a depression i settled.  lost sleep, nightmares, constant anxiety and nerves like i never felt before that literally started to prohibit me from doing things, like eating, and even running, my usual outlet to release stress, i couldn't do it.  i just couldn't even go out and run.  it overtook me.  i was sapped out of energy.  money was scarce as i did what i could with the savings and small unemployment check that i had to cover the bills i had, after my paychecks ran out.  i was also scared as i have 3 trips in store for the next 6 months, all planned before i left my job.  had i known, i may not have made certain travel choices for next year, but who knew.  not sure any of us did, including the employers i had.  i know it was hard for them to decide what to do, and they were so kind to offer help wherever i needed.  i was also worried my future employers wouldn't allow my travel, let alone how to pay the balances off for these commitments;  who goes into a new job with 3 sets of time off requests?!

people were so nice to me through this.  just small things, like my mom and her listening ear.  she dealt with so much with me, probably more than anyone else, my emotions and uncertainty, my moods that would come at the drop of a hat.  just listening, or riding along to an  interview just for moral support.  my aunt brought me cupcakes from a favorite cupcakery and surprised me with a fun running t-shirt that she knew i would love, but couldn't afford.  a friend bought me lunch.  just small things, simple as a hug, but often would result me with tears. an afternoon of board games at another friends house and an encouraging note in the mail. a call from the teen to go to a movie, and another call from the pre-teen for a zoo day.....those were 2 days i really needed to see them, it's like they knew! even though i couldn't afford to do something extravagent, we each had a good one on one day together.  everyone was so nice.  i am not sure they know how much it meant to me, but it surely did.

as i type this, tears are in my eyes and on my cheeks just remembering how i felt, and at how the kindness of others touched me.  i wish i could do something to repay them.  not sure there is something big enough.

at the end of august things started to turn around.  i found a part time job with toddlers, and ended up enjoying it a lot.  the co-teachers were so nice and welcoming.  it was a nice place to be.  and then i finally heard from one of the places that i was hoping would work out for something full time with benefits.  it was a newly built place, and hiring was based on new enrollment as they find their legs.  it was decently paid and the situation that i thought i would prefer.  i finally started that job around labor day.  while this place is still finding itself , i like the people i work with, and i like the place as a whole.  there are still lots of kinks to work out as it is only a few months old, but it's something and it's good.  i am still adjusting and trying to learn, and there are many growing pains as it builds itself up, but it's going well for me.  (i wasn't so sure that it was right for me after that first day, but i am starting to settle in weeks later, it takes time).

i knew that once i settled into something, i would feel better inside.  and i do.  looking back, i realize now how far in a dark tunnel i was.  not the first time i was in that dark tunnel, but i think this was a whole nother level of dark.  i probably should have gotten medical help, but i couldn't pay for it.  i feel the weight for the most part has been lifted, as i find myself getting back on my feet again.  literally in so many ways.  in running, in working and readjusting to the group care situation, and financially.  i don't love this job, don't hate it, but i am glad to have a paycheck again and some source of  normalcy.  i am happy to say that the last couple of weeks are the first tear free weeks in probably 5 or 6 months!  i am still emotional at times over not seeing my girls and still dealing with that emotional loss, but i am in touch with them, and i see them periodically.  the family is one of the nicest i know, and we will always be in touch and see each other.  it is so nice to not feel emotional and cry at the drop of a hat.

so that is where i have been, too drained to blog.  hopefully i will have more to say, with the wine and dine half coming up (!!), as well as the glass slipper challenge in february at wdw, and my sisters wedding in jamaica in may!  (ps.  my boss was a ok with my pre planned travel, such a load of worry off my back!).  when i was going through this, and still today, i remind myself to be grateful that i am healthy, and have a roof over my head, and surrounded by loved ones.  i don't know how people do it, that go years job searching, it's tough.  add in that emotional detachment, and holy moly, is all i can say.

i have never been so happy to see summer go, and to welcome fall.  and none of it being weather related like most people feel by the end of the summer.  these last 2 years have done a number on me, so i am hoping this fall and 2014 are a bit gentler to me.  i need it.

hope to talk again soon!  :)  thanks for waiting for me.