confessions in running.

i have a small confession.  i have pretty much stated that i would never run a marathon.  never even consider it.  and if i did run said marathon, it would most likely be the disney world marathon.

well, last year, the trickle of a thought of actually trying to do a full marathon came to more of a realization that maybe i could try it, and maybe i sorta wanted to try.  i didn't act on it beyond looking at very few training plans for a first marathon.  i didn't train for one, and the later half of 2012 i kind of slacked in any sort of training, and only tried to keep up with a half training which was a half assed effort due to other things going on in life that just slowed me down.

so about 2 months ago, i decided this was the year to try a marathon. i had been thinking about it since last may, and really thought about it during the fall after the disneyland half.  i had read many blog recaps on marathons, and actually thought, maybe i could do it.  if i had to walk i would. i would run it slow and at my pace, to say i did it.  i found a training plan in december and sat on the thought.  early in january, i started to use that training plan after making some adjustments to it to fit for me.  i was actually in training for a full marathon.  i told no one as to not put pressure on myself of others knowing what i might try to do.  going into it, i told myself if it felt too hard, or not right, that i would drop back down to the half distance and work on that some more, as it has become a favorite distance for me.

it was funny, after i finally decided to try it, i was out to dinner with my mom, best friend and her mom, and the topic of me ever running a full marathon came up.  i was questioned by my best friend if i would ever do one.  i just kinda shrugged it off, saying if i ever did it would be at disney or here at home in a local marathon, but in my head i was giggling, as i had just started the training plan a couple weeks before, but not ready to admit it outloud to anyone yet.

i told myself to try the training plan, and if i felt i could keep it up and follow through, i would do the cleveland marathon this may.  i did really well following my plan, sticking to the mileage for each week.  i changed it around a bit, since i had already established a base for my princess half marathon in february.  i listed the princess half as a training long run.  i was proud of myself for keeping up with the mileage.  after the princess half, is when the mileage really started to get scary.  i felt myself putting pressure on myself to do it.  this was why i did not mention this marathon training plan to anyone, so there was no pressure.  not that they would have put pressure on me, but me knowing they knew, pressured me!  (my mind is a work of art, let me tell you).  i know that everyone would have been supportive, but it felt easier for me to keep it to myself til i was sure i would really be running a full marathon.

a couple weeks ago, my plan called for my longest long run to date, of 15 miles.  i was scared.  i had run 14 miles before the princess, and that didn't scare me at all.  but for some reason, 1 more mile to make it 15 scared me to death!  i got out and got it done, and it hurt.  throughout the whole run, i was not fully there, but tried to really put myself "there".  i took it slow, and walked short spurts to fuel.  i was so happy to be done. my legs and feet were so tired, and from my hips down it all hurt. how could i keep going for 11 more miles if i felt that way, was running through my head.  (i do know, that is why we train, but how i felt definitely intimidated me).   that week was my longest mileage week of my life, having done that long 15 miler, as well as 15 miles total (by 3 separate runs) during the week, which equaled out to 30 miles run that week.  i was pretty proud of myself for following through.

i also was not too proud to admit to myself (and to my mom who i had confessed this plan to while i was in florida) that i was not ready to commit fully to the marathon distance.  i know i may have had a bad long run, and future ones may not have been as bad, but it was enough for me to feel that i was not ready to proceed so quickly to up the mileage. (running can be as much mental as it is physical, and that is definitely true for me, especially as i tried to do this).  i didn't want to overdo it, or risk injury.  (i have had some sore feet issues since that 15 miler).  also, the time to commit to training (as well as the winter weather that won't go away) contributed to my choice.  i am not an early riser (unless it is sooo hot outside and i have to get the run in in hot summer time), and i enjoy my weekends.  i was not fully committed to giving up so many saturday or sunday 2+ hours each weekend and post long run many times, i don't want to do anything but lay on the couch.  at this time of year, probably the one benefit to winter running, is you don't have to be up before dawn beat the heat.  you can get up at a normal hour and go out.  so some days, my day is gone by the end of the long run.  i know it does not have to be like that, but for me, i am being selfish with time.

i am proud i committed to trying it, and seeing if i could do it.  i know plenty of people who do train for their first marathon in the way i was going to.  i decided it was not for me.  i decided i would like to work on my longer distance runs on my own pace, without having a "deadline" ahead of me.  (race day).  i think that made me feel more pressured.  each week worrying about the longer distance and knowing i had to do 26.2 miles on a certain date, in a certain amount of weeks from now.  i decided that for me, i think working on longer distances will be a longer process for me.  maybe i can work on long runs like 15 miles a bit more and acclimate to such distances a little more to make it seem less daunting.  i just want to take my time to build my mileage.  and also, this cold, winter weather also pressured me, because i do not like going out in it to run, and to run for 2+ hours made the thought worse.  i do not like below freezing temps and snow/ice.  that definitely was hindering my thoughts to train.

i have not ruled out a full marathon.  but i will work toward the goal of training for one, if i feel like i still want to train for one, and so that i can feel more confident and physically a bit more ready to hit those mileage goals.  one thing i should remember that i have learned recently is, that rather than look at it as "so many more miles" than such and such distance, but look at it as more of  a time stretch; "17 miles is only 15 minutes longer than a 15 miler" type thought.  that is something that may work better for me, since i kinda freaked at the thought of 15 miles over 13 or 14.

for now, i am sticking to half marathon distance, and training to better my speed and time for that sort of race.  and if i feel like it, i will add in some longer runs,such as the 15 miler, so that maybe, when the time feels right, i will feel more confident and less pressured from myself, on achieving full marathon status.

i have to admit, when i came to the decision to put the marathon thought on hold, i felt relief lift from within.  i just felt too pressured (all me), and for me, this is something i will have to work toward.  i do know some people can just go out and get it done for the first time with an 18 week plan, or whatever, but for me, it will be a gradual process, and hopefully getting in some longer runs of 15 miles at least, will ease my worry!

i will say that i am proud that i kept up with the training for 8 weeks, almost half of the plan!  just knowing that i could keep up with that is a boost, because the training plan for marathons intimidates me more than the actual race itself!  (race is 26.2 miles on one day, whereas training is months worth!)

so i am not there yet, but way closer to 26.2 than i ever thought i would be.  2 years ago, i said "never".  and now i say "maybe."  we will see what the future holds.  never say never is what i have learned.   (and now the justin bieber "never say never" song is stuck in my head.  bad choice of words, but it is true for me!)

thanks for getting through my rambling.  they tend to be long.