what a difference a month (year?) makes.

what a difference a month makes.  a month ago it was christmas eve, and i was in the midst of the christmas blues, coupling with a depression i had felt all year long, especially culminating in the fall.  a month ago i cried, all the time.  6 months ago i was amazed if i could go a week without crying. a month ago,  i was gritting my teeth and trying to get through the holidays.  all year, i was trying to just get through a week with no tears, with many forced smiles and "i am fine" faces.  i can honestly say, the only time i felt "semi normal" was on my disneyland half marathon trip, and i completely zoned out on that trip and left reality.

a month later, on the eve of my 38th birthday (really?! so weird to me to say or write that.), i feel much better.  maybe the supplements i was taking finally kicked in.  maybe my subconscious gave me a kick in the butt and said, enough, you are stronger than this!  i even did some praying, as was recommended.  i don't know, but i feel better.  i am not out of the woods yet, but it is getting there.  a year ago, it was around my birthday, maybe even the earlier parts of the new year of 2012, i really felt something was happening inside, the depression, the anxiety, i couldn't pinpoint it or why, but that is when i started feeling different.  37 was a rough year emotionally.  a year later i feel better.  optimism that was not even there a month ago, is now starting to peak through again.  i feel lighter.  i am not completely "healed" but it seems better. i realize now how deep it has been.  i am more comfortable where i am right now.

what i do know is that running is good therapy for me, if only for a few hours post run or maybe a day, and that having someone to talk to about it helps, even if they can't offer anything but an ear or hug.  (mom).

i know that the seasonal disorder will rear it's ugly head at times, it always does in the winter.  but the "other" feelings of depression have definitely lessened.  there is still some lingering, but it seems like it has gotten much lighter.    the anxiety has lessened too, definitely still there, but i feel like it has reigned in a bit.  all this makes me feel happy again, something i really have not felt for a bit.  it also makes me realize, i really wasn't nuts.  sometimes i felt i was nuts. it's hard for me to explain, but i can compare it to when you don't feel good,  but you really were sick, and you realize just how sick you were when you feel better again.   i was in it, trying to grin and bear it on the outside, but sad all the time on the inside, searching for the light way at the end of the tunnel.  that tunnel seemed pretty long.  i realize now, that i wasn't making it up and these feelings were real, and i was even deeper in it that i thought..  i am glad and hopeful again.  i am thankful.

so on the eve of my birthday, i feel better.  it is the best gift i could ask for.  let's hope it stays, and improvements continue.